| alone |
[24 Nov 2009|12:36pm] |
At my desk at work.
Feeling incredibly alone, disconnected, misunderstood and helpless.
I also hate the fact that I am feeling like this because, after all, it's my own damn fault. I can't decide what i want and don't know if I can stick with whatever I decide at the time. I've made a lot of mistakes. I don't know if decisions I have made were made for the better or just because I'm an idiot.
I don't know if this is broken or how to fix it if it is.
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| Summer? |
[17 Aug 2009|09:27pm] |
Greetings.
Summer has come and nearly gone.
Accomplished:
- Job as a nanny
- 15 credit hours online
- Not much else
I feel almost as if I should apologize for pretty much disappearing off the face of the earth for a few months. I admit that I took on way too much this summer. I ad no idea I'd be working 50-60 hours a week on top of my online classes which I somehow got through.
I am tired. Not in a sleep sense. I'm worn out. Burnt out. My body aches to sleep for a week straight, to read the books I didn't read this summer, to play guitar and draw and paint which I haven't done in months, to simply be with those I care about. I miss my friends and family, yet I've been home all summer. Maybe that is what's eating me the most: I was right here all along but have still been so distant.
I apologize to those I care about, and to myself.
The job has been exhausting. Yeah, I do love the kids. Disregarding the fact that their parents spoil them, they are good. I have found myself disgusted with the lifestyle, though. A mother with a job that she supposedly works endless hours at, though I haven't seen evidence. A father that is home after 6 most of the time. A life filled with possessions. Is this happiness? Three cars, two dishwashers, a room just for toys... yet these kids fight endlessly, the parents complain of missing their own children. Something isn't right here.
I shouldn't be tearing them apart, though. It is the lifestyle they chose and they would need to be the ones to change it, not me. The one thing that I can say that I gained from this experience is a stronger sense of what I want out of life. I would much rather work less, have less money, but be happier with fewer possessions and more time with those dearest to me (this is, of course, after I learned the hard way of taking on too much this summer). I know what I want. I find that to be a rare feeling, and am glad to have that reassurance now.
I am looking forward to school.
Onward with life.
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| Sigh |
[22 Mar 2009|10:19pm] |
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I am restless.
Maybe it's because the weather is just on the brink of actually being nice, maybe it's because I'm looking forward to the semester being over, maybe it's because of reasons I just dont know, but I want out.
I've grown so tired of living in dorms, eating microwaved food, getting up every morning going to work, but having nothing to look forward to once 5 o clock rolls around except not being at work. I'm tired of having no money. I'm tired of being creatively challenged, or so I feel. I'm tired of not being able to be outside and not being able to get a chance to actually travel, to go somewhere and see no places.
I want to move on from this stage of life. College is overrated.
I'm finding my daydreams drifting increasingly toward life after college. I just want to be there.
But... on the bright side...
There are some things going my way. I've just recently picked up a freelance job design some album artwork, stickers, and posters. I'm finally completing relatively big projects at the zoo that will make for great portfolio work. And it is only about 7 weeks til summer. I should stop complaining.
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| The postcard says wish you were here, but I'd rather I was there |
[22 Jan 2009|09:21pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the remnants of vh1's top 100 songs of the 80s that is stuck in my head |
] |
I'm so incredibly restless that I do not know what to do with myself right now.
This semester is quite different form the past. Some good, some not so good. It's my last semester in the dorms, thank goodness. I'm sick of not having my own space. I'm finding myself increasingly irritable about the little things when I know I shouldn't be. Sarah and I get along fine. I just need to be alone, to have my own time every now and again and it's been so long since I've had it tat it's starting to eat at me. I don't feel comfortable playing guitar, or what little I know, around her and I don't like tying up the tv with video games because I feel bad. Not to mention I'm up at 6 every morning now and that mean I want to sleep a 11 every night. Not quite the normal schedule for either me or Sarah. Oh well...
That gives rise to my living situation after this semester. Yeah I've got an apartment set starting hopefully summer, if not, fall, but I need to find 2 other people to live with me. And I'm only friends with Sarah and her friends and pat and his friends. I'm not friends with many girls. Ugh. And if it's not ready this summer I have to sublease for a semester. Not like that'll be hard for the summer but still, meh.
Work. Yes. I'm surprised by the way this job has turned out. First off, there's another intern who was hired with me. I didn't know this til I showed up the first day. She's really nice, too. The only thing is she's not as far along in the VCT program as I am which means a lot of the time I feel I'm doing most of the design work and oftentimes I'm showing her the ropes in programs. Of course I realize how selfish this is sounding, but I get frustrated with the situation sometimes. I do not have a lot of patience to begin with and having to keep her up on things when I could just as easily do all the work we're assigned faster alone I just seem to get worn out. But I am glad I she is there. She is a really nice girl and I enjoy having someone to share this experience with. I complain, but I know the job would be lonely and I'd feel much more left out of things there if it were just me.
Another aspect of work that's bothering me is what we're given to work with. They're using Photoshop 7 and Freehand MX.... yes....it's terrible. They use Freehand for page layout, something it is definitely not meant for. And honestly I loathe the program. Sure, I'm certain most of my frustration stems from the fact that I've never worked in it before, but being so used to programs like InDesign, Illustrator, even Quark, Freehand is like working in the stone age. And on top of that, they have a shortage of computers. One computer just failed on one of my coworkers there. The other intern and I get a room with 2 computers in it. One, a crappy Dell that looks like its about 7 years old and the other, a Mac G4 which is fine. Sure its slow but hey, it's better than the PC. The problem is, though, the PC is pointless to work on. All it has is Photoshop Elements super old version or something. So we're forced to either split the computer, or I work on my laptop in cs3. If it's something they would normally use Freehand for, I find myself working in InDesign and saving what I can in pieces and dropping it into Freehand when the other Mac is free. I'm very frustrated with the whole situation.
But when all is said and done, I'm glad I took the job. Most of the people I seem to get along with very well and beside the problems mention above, it's fun and I am learning things. Ive been given a surprising amount of work so far. I've already laid out about 4 or 5 ads for the zoo to be in publications, not to mention had a design considered with 4 other coworkers for the zoo's website redesign. And I get to do fun things like coloring and painting. I'll probably get to do some mural and mosaic work for the new children's zoo to be opened in June. So I really am happy with things.
And that about sums up my life right now along with the normal being away from Marc (not really news, and I could get into another entry about how its hard to re adjust after coming back from a break, but all that needs to be said is I miss him dearly as always and the next time I get to see him is always too far away. I find myself thinking and daydreaming about post-college more and more. Is that bad? ... I guess I kinda did get into this but oh well.) ...and getting classes sorted out for summer. I'll probably be taking 18 or 21 credits this summer and getting a lot of leftover electives I've needed to take.
My birthday is a week from tomorrow. It seems too soon. Didn't I just turn 19?
...also I didn't realize how much I was venting and how much I typed...sorry
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| Look at the stars, look how they shine for you |
[30 Dec 2008|01:26am] |
I want to bottle up what I'm feeling right now and be able to relive today again and again. I couldn't have imagined today would have been as good as it was.
Today Marc and I saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I loved it. I loved it so much I actually cried during it, and I rarely cry during movies. It was a beautiful story portrayed very well on film. It made me feel so alive.
And after the movie ended, Marc turns to me and asks "Do you want to play a game?" with the cutest grin on his face. I agree to play and we walk to the car. He explains: We have the GPS in his mom's car, a full tank, some time....let's just drive. We'll make decisions on where to turn based on the flip of a coin.
And so we leave.
We explore the roads between Brighton, Pinckney and Howell. We have amazing conversations. And eventually after about an hour and a half, end up getting some food late.
And this is what I love about life, about us. The spontaneity, the talks, the music, the carefree feeling I get. I know I'll never forget today.
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| time is ticking away |
[30 Nov 2008|07:37pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gaslight Anthem |
] |
To say that I needed this past week is an understatement.
Marc came down to visit me Sunday. We both drove to see Rise Against w/ Thrice, Alkaline Trio and Gaslight Anthem(check them out.) and it was an awesome show. Really awesome. But Monday came and I had to say goodbye to Marc...only for a day though. I got through some classes and such and got home Tuesday afternoon. The rest of the week consisted mostly of Marc, Thanksgiving, and friends on Saturday.
I miss those care-free times. This past week, I rarely thought about the issues with next semester or of the future. Well, I though about the future a lot but only the good things. But I feel less nervous about the things to come. This semester will end, the next will begin, things will progress the way I expect or not. Either way life will keep pushing me along until I'm finally through what may be holding me back and to a better place.
And I cannot wait until I am there.
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| just a matter of days |
[18 Nov 2008|10:06am] |
Life as of late has been a mixture of things. The up and the down.
The up? Well I see Marc in five days. That's the one thing keeping me going right now. Also, this semester has been relatively easy as far as workload goes. And it snowed. Finally.
The down? A combination of a lot of little things. Not having any sort of living situation set up for next year. I've still not heard back from the co-op office about my co-op next semester. I'm so short on cash after having t pay for a hard drive for my laptop. And I lost a lot of stuff I wouldn't have liked to lose when my old hard drive died.
I guess it's just all about finding the balance. And right now I may not feel like I'm finding that balance. Especially because of the unknown about next semester and next year. Things like that wear on me.
I need to worry less.
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| Oh, life |
[05 Nov 2008|01:02pm] |
I think I've gotten back into the swing of things after an amazing weekend spent in New York. And it was amazing. Whether it was just chilling out Halloween night or walking around New York City, I loved every minute.
And of course I blinked and there I was sitting on a train heading back to Toledo.
*sigh*
But here I am sitting at my desk playing catch-up on some Flash homework, just trying to get through the rest of the week.
I'm glad the election is finally over. I was getting so tired of all of it. Nevertheless, yesterday was exciting and I felt very privileged to be able to take part in such a historic moment in our country's history.
Good luck, Obama.
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| so here we are |
[26 Oct 2008|05:53pm] |
Well, another Sunday. Ew. i guess the good news is that I'm staying home until tomorrow morning because I have late classes and I don't feel like driving today.
This past week was a bit on the crazy side. Two big VCT projects pretty much due on the same day (my website and first video project). It feels good to have that behind me and to have a bit of a lull ahead.
I guess life has been relatively boring outside of school, though. Just trying to make it through the next few weeks. I feel like most of my time is spend just 'trying to get through.' Maybe I'm just tiring of always feeling as if what I'm working for is always a number of days away. Countdowns don't hold the same... meaning that they used to. Not to say I don't still countdown and look forward to those few days every some weeks. I've just grown tired of the wait in between. But that's to be expected, right?
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| Oh, How I've missed You |
[11 Oct 2008|01:19am] |
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How did I make it this long without seeing Marc?
I have no idea.
It's only been two days. I'm trying to soak up every minute before he is gone again, though I know it will still feel like it went by in a flash.
Honestly I was planning on putting up some nice entry about everything, but I cannot even begin to come up with any description that would do these past few days justice, save to say it's been amazing and I miss days like these.
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| Abracadabra |
[29 Sep 2008|02:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Black Kids |
] |
things have been alright lately. I had a nice, quiet weekend at home and I've been enjoying my time at BG a bit more.
I'm finding myself needed to be home less and less. Of course I like being home, I do miss my family, but at the same time it's no longer a "need" to be home.
I'm finding, also, I've developed a larger base of outlets of stuff to do. Xbox, reading, painting, guitar. This year I feel more motivated to do these things. They give me a nice sense of fulfillment, especially since I'm finding this semester to be relatively easy minus a class or two.
I think time is passing more quickly as well. The weeks go by and the weekends are just a blink of an eye most of the time.
I think being optimistic is working out alright.
Ten days.
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| The Night's Hard to Get Through |
[22 Sep 2008|10:45am] |
I feel like things are starting to get hard way before I expected them to.
These next two and a half weeks will go by quickly if they know what's good for them. Its already been too long and I can feel it wearing on me.
This week shouldn't be bad, though. I have Sigur Ros on Tuesday and the season premier of the Office on Thursday. I'm going home this weekend and probably hanging out with some friends that I really do miss. Despite all of this, though, my mind and heart will always be 600 miles away.
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| Sunshine. |
[17 Sep 2008|06:18pm] |
I have improved. And I like the way I'm feeling right now. I can always tell when I am in a positively great mood.. I wanted to paint. And paint I did.
( Results )
They're not masterpieces, but painting them made me happy and that's what matters.
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[14 Sep 2008|04:46pm] |
I feel like a wreck right now.
I don't want to be here. I've had it. 4 weeks in and I already feel like throwing in the towel. I'm quite ashamed of myself. Everything's better this year. I still feel so... disheartened.
This past weekend I went to Springfield for my cousin's wedding. I can't say that I was looking forward to it, but I still had hope. And to be honest, it felt good to see that side of the family. I hadn't seen most of them in over a year. I still feel a bit outside of them though. Anyways, Friday was the rehearsal dinner and Saturday was the wedding and reception. I really have no family my own age. The cousin closest to my age is Andrew who is 21 or 22. And he had friends there anyways because it was his sister's wedding. Caitlin has a few cousins closer to her so she went off dancing for the night. After sitting around for a bit I just decided to migrate to the kids table and color and play with stickers. I needed the distraction...because the worst part was not having Marc there with me.
A few of my cousins and aunts at one point were urging me to go dance with everyone. It's not that I didn't want to share in the celebration...its just...hard to explain.
So here I am, Sunday, back at college alone in my room. Facing 4 more weeks on top of the 3 I've already gotten through. The fact that I'll be spending this summer in Bowling Green is not helping either. I may not even be able to spend anymore time at home other than breaks until I'm graduated...in three years.
I think last year was more concentrating on getting through the first year. And now that I know I can do it, I look at three years. And its intimidating.
Help.
At the same time, though. He does so much to make me happy. I wish I could do as much for him.
( The Latest From Him )
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| Doubts |
[05 Sep 2008|11:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
] |
I think I had forgotten what life like here in BG was like. And I am glad to have a few friends who seem to feel the same as I do.
It's a bit sad, but Bowling Green is a boring place save for bars and parties. As Pat drove me back to my dorm tonight, we passed swarms of people all dressed up to go get plastered. It's utterly pathetic. And because this is the life that so many chose here, that's all there is. Bars and Parties.
Sorry /rant.
Anyways, here I am on a quiet Friday night. Searching for something on TV to zone out to so I can try and ignore some of these feelings.
In other news, after talking to my adviser, it seems I have to take a co-op this Spring (most likely in BG) and will have classes in the summer (obviously here as well).
I'm not quite sure about this yet...
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| I love peaches. |
[30 Aug 2008|04:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
A Special Mix CD |
] |
So. First the week of college has come and gone. Slow at first but it is starting to pick up. I honestly don't think classes will be hard. I just have to be sure to stay up on the work which really isn't much. Luckily, there's really no one class I seem to dislike which is the first time in a while it's been like that.
And I think this year will be an improvement on last year. The dorm is about 240% better then the closet I lived in last year. I already know my roommate and a few other people to hang out with. And I feel more confident about my major. Things, I guess, really couldn't be better. Yet it's still not right...
I think I am just a bit lonely.
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| Childhood. |
[22 Aug 2008|01:22am] |
Again, I have found myself returning to you, journal.
Class starts in a mere four days and today was my last day with Marc. I surprised myself today, though. I was incredibly content, even happy. Of course I was sad to end summer, but what a way to end it. Nothing extraordinary, just the simple company of each other discussing childhood memories and the evolution of humans listening to Sigur Ros and driving around visiting Marc's previous schools. What more could I ask for?
I was also incredibly happy to be returning home plus one guitar. I'm feeling so motivated to pursue the guitar. Thank you Marc for such generosity.
I'm so confident and excited to continue down this path of life.
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| Hello, again. |
[10 Feb 2008|07:31pm] |
So I have recently realized that trying to keep some sort of book journal doesn't work for me. All I end up doing is doodling. So now that all I have is a doodle notebook I feel some sort of obligation to this since I've never mustered up the energy to shut this one down.
I'm finding it so incredibly hard to be alone after nearly a whole weekend of being surrounded by people. What scares me the most is the fact that I love my alone time. Yet, here I am feeling lost and uncomfortable. My mind is a million miles away and I cannot seem to concentrate on anything despite the fact that these tasks are staring me straight in the face.
I miss my friends. Or rather, I miss being in the company of others with which I feel truly comfortable around.
I have come to the realization that I miss my mother. Regardless of the rift that still exists between us, I miss having that sort of bond. Taping the pieces together doesn't make them whole again.
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[17 Aug 2007|12:52pm] |
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He wrote me a song.
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[10 Aug 2007|10:07pm] |
I leave in less than a week and it is just now hitting me.
Sure I'll be back..Labor day, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
Just not the same, though.
I'm not really sure what to make of all this.
I'm going to miss so much.
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| they'll never guess what's not inside |
[01 Jul 2007|07:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the news. |
] |
So like has been incredibly crazy lately, but hat else is new, right?
Yesterday was my father and Diane's wedding. I really enjoyed it. I'm so glad that those two are finally hitched. it's relieved a lot of stress. the only thing is that it'll be another year to year and a half before she can move over here for good because of the immigration thing. Frustrating.
My sister flew out to Utah today. I fly out there on the 22nd. We both come back on the 5th of August. Meh.
My dad and Diane are heading up to Leland 'til probably Friday so I've got the house for a few days. It's not like I plan on actually doing anything but it will still be very nice to have some chill time and just to be able to do what I want when I want for a little bit.
I found out my roommate and my dorm this morning. She seems like a really cool girl. I'm excited. Now it's really hitting me that I'm going to be moved out in less than 2 months. I really cannot wait.
Do you ever look around you and realize how many people just don't smile or even look remotely happy?
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| i want to explode |
[13 Jun 2007|12:03am] |
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This week is craziness.
getting ready for my grad party this Saturday along with getting even more ready for the wedding, ... I think I'm going crazy.
Marc's birthday was Monday. It was definitely a good day. :]
Well, not too much else is new with me.
...yea
Until next time?
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[29 May 2007|01:04am] |
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I am positive that I have just fallen in love all over again.
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| together we are lost |
[16 May 2007|01:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Academy Is... - Santi |
] |
I've been slacking....
So I've been enjoying this whole no school thing. Staying up late, sleeping in. It's quite nice.
While enjoying all-you-can-eat-crab-night with Marc, Jill, Angie and a few other kids it started to pour, and hail. I realized a few of my car windows (which was parked on the other side of the block) were down. I alerted Jill and hers were also down. We decided to run halfway across downtown Howell to attempt to save the inside of our cars from being soaked. As I was running through the downpour, screaming and laughing with Jill as my clothes were getting drenched, I had one of those moments. You know those moments. That blink of an eye where you feel...life. You feel alive. You feel in that moment ... infinite (Yea, I stole it from Perks and I apologize). I so wish I could have bottled that moment and kept it forever. Those moments are so incredibly rare, yet so amazing.
lav
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[28 Apr 2007|02:41pm] |
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Wow. So.
The proms were so much fun. Thursday night was Marc's prom at St. Mary's. The food was great.. the music sucked though haha. Then we went back to Will's house for s'mores. MMM. Those were good. We ended up sitting inside watching Wayne's World 2 because it was too cold outside. Then Marc drove me home through some serious fog. It was kinda creepy...
Then last night was Ladywood's prom. We had pictures at Amanda's. Prom was great. The music was fun and I really enjoyed it. Then we left around 10:30 11ish to go to Mac's for the rave madness. HAhaa that was a party. Mostly just techno music, glo sticks, and us running around being retarded. I enjoyed it though. Marc left around !:30. After he left along with Janine, Will, and Mike...the rest of us sorta crashed. jill and I rolled around in some blankets... you know...Just us being..normal? We left around two to go over to Amanda's for the night. I thoroughly enjoyed some pasta salad before crashing. I slept in a bed with Kelly and Jill. Hah yea that was interesting. Just got home at around noon-ish. Im soo tired.
So today I work 330-930. Tomorrow I work 230-630. I have so much to do for school yet I'm still not starting any of it.
School needs to be done....now.
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